11 months in !
Motherhood has been a beautiful experience and is the real proof that love has no boundaries.
Although I wish I knew some things much in advance , its really been a roller coaster ride in every sense. I don’t know where the next turn is. Today I want to share with you my unedited version: About my experience of motherhood so far (the first year).. the 3 most important things I’ve learnt .. and my fears and anxiety around motherhood.
I had a C-section. I remember distinctly the day after my delivery when there were friends and family calling and the very first question that came just after “Congratulations!” was ” normal delivery?” . And ofcourse followed by my answer were many more questions, which is how I know that if I’d said Yes to the first question, right there would’ve ended the topic!
My unpreparedness led me to answer the following questions with a very naive intention. It made me feel very guilty. As if It was a mistake on my part to have had a baby in the “un-natural way” . People asked me if It was scheduled. Friends wanted detailed explanations as to why we had to go for a C-section.
I had gestational diabetes and I did not tell anyone, only for the fear of being judged. In my 27th week of pregnancy I found out I had GD and I was really disappointed in me. Its what the world rubs on you. “If you have GD , must be because of your diet. Right?” WRONG! It can be for so many other reasons. I felt guilty all through my 3rd trimester and towards the end, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault.
My Obgyn did not want me to go any further than 40 weeks and it made total sense. But I did not go into labor. No pains . My water did not break and of all the things I anticipated , not one manifested into reality. Instead I was induced at 40th weeks and I wasn’t effaced even after that. 6 hours after the pitocin kicked in, I had contractions. And yes , I had an epidural then (another story for another day) . And after 13 hours of labor we went into the OT. This is my story and after thinking it over in my mind a thousand times, today I don’t regret any of it and I don’t feel guilty about my decision.
The 3 things that I learnt about motherhood ( of all the other things ) that really made me a different person :
Its not your fault : I think Im allowed to be the student in this aspect. Im always learning. I can still catch myself saying “its not your fault Ramya”. Somehow we , as women, are deliberately pushed to believe that its our fault. But its not. And its left to us to break that pattern and cut off the strings.
Trust yourself : there are no ifs and buts when it comes to trusting yourself. Thats the true essence of doing exactly as your gut says. The answers will come when you silence your critical self which is constantly pulling you to look through a magnifying glass. Its not easy but its worth everything. Many times in the course of the last 11 months I was given the right signs and signals and I trusted my self to go with them.
Finding your tribe : Im an instagram addict and its not bad for me. 11 months down so many more to go with motherhood and I found my mom community on this virtual platform called Instagram and I never looked back. There are times when I don’t feel good enough , feel lonely and guilty. I don’t know these women in person but their words and their posts just make me believe in myself again, reinforce trust and confidence. They are my teachers and I don’t feel alone with them my by side. Finding my tribe here made me a better mom, made me open to so many wide varieties and styles of parenting and gives me true #momgoals and #parentinggoals.
These 3 lessons of the many other really matter to me and changed how I look at motherhood and how I feel about myself as a mom.
Although its just been some months and Im not trying to be perfect.. I still feel Im reaching too hard. I have constant anxiety about not being good enough as a mom and as a person. I worry way too much about my baby girl. I have fears that don’t even make sense sometimes but Im pushing through them gradually.
Its easy to feel vulnerable in this stage of life because we let our guard down for the ones we love the most. Thats also when we get more hurt and all feelings and emotions start to surface. But I know its not always going to be like this. Every phase is different and I find my strength when I read other moms’ experiences about motherhood. The insights helps me get better at channeling my thoughts on motherhood.
Thats it for now peeps. What are the most important things that you learnt in your journey of motherhood? Let me know in the comments below. Thank you for reading. Keep looking at this space for more posts soon.